Lindsay Baggaley
Intro
Sharon Eubanks has some great quotes in her talk titled Christ: The Light that Shines in Darkness. She states:
“For various reasons, we don’t feel accepted or acceptable. The New Testament shows the great efforts Jesus made to reach out to all kinds of people: lepers, tax collectors, children, Galileans, harlots, women, Pharisees, sinners, Samaritans, widows, Roman soldiers, adulterers, the ritually unclean. In almost every story, He is reaching someone who wasn’t traditionally accepted in society.”
“It is an unwavering requirement of Christian disciples and Latter-day Saints to show true love to one another.”
It is these attributes of reaching out and showing unconditional love that I want to focus on.
My family and I have been recipients of amazing acts of unconditional love and people willing to reach out, from members of our church and people not of our faith alike over the past two years.
I have shared these experiences before but I always feel pulled and lead to continue sharing so here I am. And I want you to look at these experiences through the lens of these Christ like attributes.. And to understand that one way we can become more like Christ is to help struggling members feel like they belong among us and that they are loved.
So what does it look like in the Baggaley home? Todd and a few of my kiddos suffer from some form of anxiety and depression. It is so hard, so exhausting, you feel hopeless, abandoned by Heavenly Father, voted off the island , so alone and definitely feel like you don’t belong
Elder Holland, in his talk titled Like a Broken Vessel, describes it very well: “I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively.”
During some dark times in our house over the last 2 yrs. and that still continue on some level, I have been impressed to keep a journal and express some thoughts. These thoughts are not shaded and can be raw. And some of it is hard to share, but I will share hard things because I want you to feel comfortable to do the same. One entry states:
“Depression is an ugly beast!! It rears up its super ugly head and strikes, sinking its teeth in so deep you completely lose your breath and start to fade. I hate it! I hate how it makes Todd feel less, feel lost, feel alone, feel worthless, feel overwhelmed, feel sad and abandoned, and makes him feel like he doesn’t belong. He is truly the strongest man I know. He is because he continues to fight. Every day he gets back up and lets the beast sink its teeth in again to cause a whole new wound, when the wound from the previous day has barely stopped bleeding. It is the worst, its heart breaking to watch and yet on some level so inspiring to me and totally heroic to watch the refining and burning that occurs day in and day out.”
After you have these feelings and you still feel like you don’t belong and have been abandoned what do you do?
Elder Holland states: “above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. “That love never changes…it is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve it. It is simply always there. Never ever doubt that and never harden your heart. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Saviors own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.”
I love that Elder Holland teaches here that you always belong with God, and love is eternal.
I asked Todd to share some thoughts and give an insight on how he feels as well and what I think he shares is profound:
Beginning of Todd’s words –
Mental health disorders are some of the most wide reaching and impactful difficulties of the human experience. One in five adults has a mental health condition. And the most recent studies show that the upcoming generation is faring even worse, without a doubt because of the impact of social media. In the sphere of church, no other group of bodily disorders are interpreted to have such spiritual implications. Historically, health disorders were viewed as a consequence of being spiritually unclean (John 9:1-2.) However, those with mental health problems were seen, not just as unclean, but as demonic and possessed by evil spirits (Gosselin, Chapter 1.) Today, our understanding is still imperfect. Statements such as “he just doesn’t have enough faith to be happy” or “she just needs to knock on the Lord’s door and He will calm her anxiety” are still common today and, sadly, imply a spiritual inadequacy. Such statements may be well meaning, but like the statements made by Job’s friends, they dangerously misplace the source of the problem. No right-minded person would say such things to a person suffering from cancer. But somehow, we find it acceptable when talking about disorders of the mind.
As one who has experienced mental illness throughout my life, I am all too familiar with the reduction of worth one feels from the disappointment elicited from others and from self. For 30 plus years, I was treated for ADHD, depression and anxiety with moderate success. Though the medication was never wholly effective, I was able to complete a two year mission, get married, and adequately provide for my family. However, three years ago, the prescribed medications and treatments began to become completely ineffective, placing me into a category of depression termed treatment resistant. I suddenly became a captive to an indefinite condition of anxiety, doom, and hopelessness. For the first time, I began to doubt the worth of this life.
Members of the church who experience such depressive events often report common thoughts and symptoms. Here are three of the most significant
- A feeling of being abandoned by God
- A diminished ability to serve and therefore a feeling of diminished individual worth.
- An inability to feel the spirit.
Because we mainly define our relationship to God by the way we feel, it is understandable that a condition that distorts the emotions would distort the relationship one feels with God. A SPECIFIC symptom shared across many mental illnesses is likely the KEY FACTOR for this distortion. This symptom is called ANHEDONIA – which is A DIMINISHED OR COMPLETE INABILITY TO FEEL JOY OR PLEASURE.
Anhedonia is a common symptom of depression, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, and several other mental conditions. It is life altering and can account for several statistics associated with these disorders. It is a significant reason why there is a disproportionate amount of mentally ill among those who suffer from addictions, and heavily influences their relapse probability (Martinotti.) It is a significant factor in certain types of self-harm (Bonnani.) And, from personal experience and countless discussions with others, there is a significant correlation between anhedonia and an individual reporting they are no longer able to feel the spirit.
Though the exact reason is not known, researchers suggest the cause of anhedonia is a problem with the reward system in the brain…the system that helps motivate us to finish tasks that we would not otherwise accomplish (Martinotti.) When considering the operations of the spirit, it makes sense that the Lord would use this system to communicate with and motivate us.
To those of you who have never experienced anhedonia, it may sound unpleasant. I confirm that it is. It is like being an emotional amputee.
Here is a tragic yet accepted state for someone who knows they were created on the terms that they “MIGHT have joy”(2 Nephi 2:25.) However, joy and pleasure, as comforting as they are, are not the core purpose of this life. Far more important for us to obtain are the skills of faith and knowledge. In the Book of Mormon’s ultimate chapter on faith (Alma 32), Alma teaches that better than being “compelled to believe”, faith exercised to knowledge creates a far stronger conversion.
In a state where the system of spiritual motivation is disabled, a person struggling emotionally is often operating purely on faith.
Acquainted with anxieties and inabilities in speech himself, Moses was a man assigned a near intolerable task. In preparation for the assignment, Moses was shown the suffering that all mankind would ever experience. While speaking with the Lord face to face, he was shown every individual who would live on earth(Moses 1:27-29.) Undoubtedly, one of the foremost points taken by Moses would have been the suffering experienced by God’s children. After seeing the history of the world, Moses questioned the Lord, “Tell me, I pray thee, why these things are so…?(verse 30)” or in other words, what is the purpose of all this suffering, what is mortal life’s worth compared to its cost.
And here is the Lord’s response. “For mine own purpose have I made these things. Here is wisdom and it remaineth in me(verse 31.)”
At face value, this is a maddening statement. In fact, it seems the heavenly equivalent of, “The suffering is because I am God, and because I Said So.”
But in reality, the statement is much deeper than a simple flippant response. When thought upon, the statement is actually a request for faith… one of the most significant requests for faith in all scripture. Faith, not only for Moses, but for us all. This is not your run-of-the-mill belief in God and/or your belief that the church is true. In Moses’ case, faith in God’s existence was rendered irrelevant as he spoke with Jehovah face to face. This is a different kind of faith entirely…faith in an elevated form. Faith, not of God’s existence, but more importantly, in God’s CHARACTER in the face of sickness and suffering, of horrors and holocaust, of anguish and agony on a global and personal level each item within view of God’s all-seeing eye (Moses 1:6.) In some conditions, this is a faith that is also requested in the absence of the comfort of the Holy Spirit (D&C 121:1, Matt. 27:46.) God’s statement to Moses is a request to trust Him when all influences, external and internal, would say otherwise.
This was a defining moment for Moses, a rebirth of sorts, a chance for him to re-evaluate his understanding of God and prove his own quality. As he exercised this faith, Moses became a man of action. He agreed to carry out the will of God, as difficult and undesirable as the task was. He then became known as the Deliverer of Israel and has inspired the faith of billions in our day.
But, remember, in so doing, Moses became the representative of prolonged suffering, plagues and the Angel of Death to the Egyptians and to many of the Hebrews he led (Exodus 16:2-3)(Exodus 11:3-7).
One must see how necessary it was for Moses to first be acquainted with the grief that would consume mankind, and notwithstanding, still maintain a firm faith in God and his plan. This qualified him to enact the plagues, to lead a people through 40 years of longsuffering in the wilderness, and to show the world God’s wonders.
A good number of God’s children suffer from mental health difficulties, chronic painful conditions, and/or have experienced significant traumatic events. Of these children, those who are ALSO firm believers in the faith often face the Lord with the same question that Moses did…what is the worth of this prolonged suffering? As it was for Moses, this is a defining point in the relationship between God and his suffering children…it is a time where we must re-evaluate our understanding of God, a time to prove our quality through a higher faith, which faith results in action outside the sphere of desire.
For those who do not suffer from such problems, please understand that the pain of disorders and traumas of the mind is real. Those who suffer from such difficulties are loved and valued by our Heavenly Father. He knows of their great potential. Like Moses and Christ, He recognizes that often they operate on a level of faith not attainable through any other means than by the knowledge of suffering…sacred suffering. – END OF TODD’s WORDS
Such a raw, real and profound insight. For the first time in years The Baggaleys are stumbling upon answers to why we suffer, what is suffering’s cost? And how do we in turn use that knowledge to help others belong and feel loved.
In his book why is This Happening to Me? The Reverend Wayne Monbleau explained that one of the reasons God allows tribulation is to transform us into wounded healers. He wrote:” A wounded healer is someone who has suffered; but instead of being self-centered, the wounded healer sees suffering in an “other”-centered context . . . with holy compassion and mercy for others.3
In other words, when we suffer, there is something deep within our soul that changes, breaks, and then softens. We learn, firsthand, lessons about pain, anguish, misery, and torment, and then, because we know what it feels like to be wounded, we have compassion for others who are suffering and we can help to heal them. Essentially, our loving Heavenly Father uses times of suffering to transform us into an instrument in His hands—an instrument that, armed with a newly developed nobility of spirit, is compelled to help relieve the suffering of His children.
I love this idea of wounded healers! I think it would be great if we can incorporate healing, loving and reaching out as we learn to live as he lives and do what he did.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Gosselin, Denise. Crime and Mental Disorders: The Criminal Justice Response. West Academic 2017.
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