Many people who struggle with mental health issues, or any traumatic life experience for that matter, feel abandoned by God. I confirm that the experience is real. In my opinion, it is this feeling of abandonment, combined with our current-day cultural inability to objectively see things as they are, were, and will be, that have driven this generation to leave their Gods on an unprecedented level. We have entitled the resilience out of ourselves. We have done so because it is easier than the alternative.
I have experienced the absence of God’s support many times before in my life long struggle with depression. But the abandonment I experienced in the darkness of treatment-resistant depression was on a level closer to TORTURE and BETRAYAL.
And now is when many of you feel a sensation to withdraw from this subject…or at least openly rebuttal (please feel free to do so.) When encountering an opportunity to enter the unknown, it is natural to experience discomfort…reluctance. This is why one young man “large in stature” who professed he would do whatever God commands stated that he “shrunk” at what God asked of him just days later (1 Nephi Chapters 3-4 – Book of Mormon.) This is why Eve found the need to debate the serpent. And this is why Christ’s cup was “bitter”… remember He asked “if it be possible, let this cup pass from me.”
In short, I’m trying to say…most of you are not going to like this. But I promise, if you give it time to be pondered, these ideas can save the lives of the despondent and strengthen the true in heart.
TORTURED
Many report, at some time, having thoughts of ending their life. Often times the conversation one has in their head goes something like this:
“If I were to die right now the life insurance would leave my family in a better place”
or
“Day FOUR at Disneyland!!!…I love my kids…but is there no other way…cause I’m not quite sure it’s worth it?”
These types of self-talk conversations have been a part of my life for years.
But when I experienced the prolonged choking of severe anxiety, I realized the darkness goes far deeper than I’d ever imagined. Such an emotional experience is hard to convey…but this simple scenario comes close:
Have you ever been swimming alongside someone who suddenly panics? They claw at you with their arms and feet, pushing you underwater to keep themselves afloat. For a split second, part of you realizes you must maintain composure. But that thought is immediately overwhelmed by the eruption of anxiety and adrenaline. Now imagine that feeling occurring indefinitely (it’s always there and you never know when it is going to go away.) In both the drowning scenario and chronic anxiety, the longer the scenario continues the greater the reality sets in that short-term deliverance only comes by giving up. Otherwise, this is your lot in life until you age out.
After one has spent significant time with anxiety, by the nature of its relentlessness, it begins to bring about despair. At this stage, a person will start to adopt and repeat thoughts confirming reason for despair. Here are a few of my own:
I’ve tried everything…
Hope has become poison…
I’m exhausted…
I can only feel anxiety, anger, sadness, and apathy…
This is Hell for my wife and kids to watch…
I wish God would take me…
Something clean…something common…
An aneurysm…a car crash…
Or if He won’t, what method would be minimally traumatic for my family?
In the midst of these ruminations, I one day stumbled upon a question I’d never considered before….Besides severe depression and anxiety, is there any other situation in which an otherwise healthy individual would REALLY DESIRE to leave this life?
And it came to me, like a bolt of lightning:
…TORTURE.
Save scenarios of punishment and sadism, utilitive torture is used for extracting something greater in value than the victim. Though it’s a bit macabre, torture could be considered a plausible tool for measuring one’s opportunity cost for a given cause. Consider these questions for yourself:
For what thing would you be willing to be tortured?
What is that item worth to you…IN ANGUISH?
Actually…better question:
For WHO would you be willing to be tortured?
What is that PERSON worth to you…IN ANGUISH?
Give it some time. Let the implications of these thoughts simmer in you for a few days. Try not to dismiss the issue outright because it is not comfortable. If you believe in God, consider whether you believe that Being became so because He made decisions based on His own comfort. If you feel tortured because of anxiety, because of an overwhelming traumatic experience, or because of a chronic health issue, take a moment to deeply consider if there is any possible potential utility in your anguish FOR SOMETHING OF MORE VALUE THAN YOURSELF.
You may realize that, by definition, we are no longer speaking about torture. We are now talking about SACRIFICE. Yet, sacrifice requires one additional distinguishing characteristic:
IT MUST BE VOLUNTARY…even if reluctantly so. (Greater explanation on voluntary sacrifice addressed in the post: Reluctant Volunteer)
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